It’s Saturday and the time says 2:30 am, I keep looking at the time and I think it’s judging me.
Why am I awake?
No reason, truth be told. I’ve binged Youtube videos of guys doing the most insane mashups and I’m jealous and I just wished I was a jukebox altogether.
‘Cause fuck these talented people that’s why. #Goals.
Why am I really awake?
It happens. Well, It’s been happening for a while now. I entered my twenties being totally overwhelmed by life. And for nothing too you see? Nothing scarred me, even though I must say, I keep having this very vivid flashbacks about my childhood and I can’t seem to get over it but I digress.
1. Because I’m not sure I want to remember.
2. Because I’m not sure I even want to trust my memory to rehash certain events and;
3. I’m digressing.
I grew up knowing two things: I was gonna make food a valuable ally (whilst not toying with gluttony) and that I
was am going to work the hardest (and enjoy sweating and kicking to get my goals) and be so damn successful, ‘you’ll see‘ because, if you grew up in a poor environment (shout to my parents, I respect and I see/saw your handwork and grind, especially you mama) and you’ve seen and experienced it, that gnawing sense of imminent failure mixed with hopelessness stops being humbling and pretty once you know shit happens out of the world you are used to. And that has certainly scarred pushed me to aim for more. In everything. I deserve it. My family does.
I stay awake ’cause I have all these dreams and as time keeps ticking and frowning at me, I feel I’m wasting every God-given second by missing the deadline and not throwing myself out there.
Then I pause.
Where the fuck is ‘out there’ and why haven’t I seen ‘out there‘ yet? Why isn’t it on Google Maps?
God forbid but what would happen if the fire in me fizzled out and I ended up…settling?
What happens to other peoples’ dreams and ambitions? How do they feel in their own body when they don’t hit the mark? Can one die of disappointment in one’s self?
Some people wake up from nightmares. I can’t sleep because my dreams won’t let me. And because I don’t even know what these said dreams are. It’s very exhausting – all this acting like one-knew-what-one-was-doing facade.
‘Growing up is hard‘ was what I wrote a friend few days ago, he laughed out loud – I wasn’t joking. I need manuals for this shit.
3.07 4 am. And Ed Sheeran wants to “know the truth before he dives right into….”