LuSea Bee | el dorado
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e. El Dorado

Yesterday was a great day.

Yesterday I was lucky enough to advance and age (with grace If I might add). It was great. No panic attacks, no bickering, no remorse of any kind, no anger. I yearned and prayed for peace of mind (amongst other things) by midnight and boy, I breezed through the day like I phucking owned the world. You get to appreciate everything and everyone a little bit more when you make up your mind that dark clouds have no claim whatsoever over you.

Today however, I stayed in my pyjamas, bled through multiple sanitary pads and suffered those menstrual pains and pangs. Like how a true motherfucker would, if he/it could.

And I finally, finally binged watched “13 reasons why..” while at it.

It’s comical. I admit it’s beautifully shot and played but in substance, all I could say was…WoW! Not a positive wow, I was irritated and I’m not even trying to jump on any bandwagon either but wow, it was shite. Even though I’d still watch a Season 2. Makes no sense, does it? I’m as puzzled as you are. True talk. But yeah, it’s a lot to take in. Teenagers are assholes but depicting them as unintelligible creatures that flip and carve so easily to peer pressure (I’m trying to generalize – largeeeeely here folks) just like fucking morons when the situation permits them is just, GAHD DAYUM! Why?! Wake Up!

Giving that the series does brilliantly cover and accurately depict that rhetoric ’bout how “a butterfly batting its wings could create a hurricane – someplace, somehow“, I constantly found myself calling out various characters regardless.

Wow.” “Ain’t you a fucking moron??” “Soz cuz, can’t relate”.”What? No! WTF are these people?”

I’m yet to place my finger on what really pisses me off about the series and the characters that are being brought to life. I mean, for pete’s sake, I like how  it didn’t gloss over human fragility and interpersonal exchanges, the various intricacies of growing up, mental health, depression, sexual assault just to name a few. Still, I found it incredibly cheesy.  Maybe that’s it – it was cheesy. Maybe that’s why I found some things redundant. As someone who has constantly fought her battles to keep a leash on her sanity, I know just how detrimental the dark corners of ones mind could be. It’s a phucking trap man, it’s exhausting. Just merely reminiscing about it gives me the chills. It wears you out man, you are in a real sunken-ass place (all reference to Get Out of course).

Years back in high school, while having my usual rant session with a schoolmate of mine on our way back home, I we came to the realization that the hardest part about being a fully functioning human being wasn’t just about having food on the table, paying bills and being a respectable civilian in a fucked up society. No, it wasn’t just that really. It was really about staying afloat. Staying alive, literally. When this friend of mine and I would touch the grounds of suicide and choices taken concerning life/death issues, we’ve always thought that dying was actually the easiest way out. And no, it wasn’t to shame or fault anybody but when that realization hits you – that staying alive is should be the end game because “death was the easiest part about living” – it made sense. It made sense to us at least. A lot. And that hasn’t changed.

Have I ever contemplated suicide? Aha hah.

Yes. Yeah, I have.

Boy, never really said or wrote that out loud. I thought of how easy it could be, to just – stop. Put a full stop. Period. It was a welcome feeling in the midst of all the angst and anxiety and conflicting emotions racing through my mind and wrecking my soul. It was truly a warm sensation, I won’t lie. And then I snapped reluctantly dragged myself out of it.

Obviously, we all differ. Various shades of strength. We all react differently. Our emotions pushes us to fight, for different things, various reasons. That realization I’d come across years before slapped me when the thought of suicide caressed my mind. It was rough. “Stay. the. phuck. alive. FIGHT FOR YOURSELF – da fuck?“. That is the hardest part of battling with life and everything, anything it throws at us, staying in it. Staying in the chaos, regardless. And it is rough. You see, even the most put together person you know in the room will lose it when certain synapses of the mind can be fingered, toyed with. It’s mind fuckery-ing that no one rightfully likes to dwell on for too long and for those of us who do, there’s no glory or candy o’er here. No one is really got their shit together, you see? Yeah maybe you can be solid with certain things and the world outside but when it’s just you, on the inside? Tête à tête? Fighting yourself, mind, body or soul? Boy, that war is no child’s play. We all survive with masks. Like that Pirandello novel that caught my attention that one time “Uno, nessuno, centomila “- One, No One, One hundred thousand.  Obviously, certain people will make their choices regardless. They are not stronger but make no mistake, that doesn’t make them weaker either. There’s no better than or worse than. It’s just meh…whatever you do, life wins you see? It goes on.

I really don’t know what pissed me off about the reenactment of “13 reasons why..” or maybe I should say that now I have half an idea. Humans are resilient motherphuckers in general but I don’t know man, one can’t simply accept shit (and dish it out too – Hannah was a bitch sometimes too) and just decide to let it all stop. And you do take full responsibility for your actions. The series kept looking for scapegoats, victims and situations to pin the blame on. It was a phucking blame game, this one! Gahd! I mean, there were obvious perpetrators, don’t get me wrong. But they were like what? 2 or 3? Life is twisted, people are bad. Some are great too. Situations are tough but then sometimes they are not too. You know?

One day after school, I remember this aforementioned friend of mine ended our rant session with a “non avere mai paura di chiedere aiuto, L.” – “don’t be scared/ashamed to ask for help”. We were not even talking about something that deep. But she said it, out of the blue. And it stuck. And when that aforementioned thought caressed my mind, know what I did? I shut down. Completely. Then I dragged myself out of that dark hole I had secluded myself and I whispered. Then I coughed a little. Then I talked. And now, with this WordPress thingy? I think I’m fucking screaming.

Ain’t giving up without a fight. Didn’t do it then, ain’t starting now. Ever. I need to remember that.

FIGHT FOR YOURSELF, daily.” There are always 13 reasons why that idea doesn’t really suck.

Bobby Caldwell – Open your eyes


John Legend

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