How to: Nigerian like a true Nigerian
If you are reading this,
it’s too late you are probably pondering and gathering information about visiting one of West Africa’s finest – Nigeria and you want to ascend and become a full blown citizen. First things first “I’m the realest” wtf, why? Welcome! Please follow these simple instructions:
-Nigeria’s national anthem is 2Face’s – African Queen
-Nigerians are happy people – it’s annoying. Fela put it better when he sang “Shuffering and Shmiling” it was no understatement – true life story. Come suffer and smile in the land of the
-Most will certainly agree that the governmental, bureaucratic, infrastructural system and dead ass wi-fi will test your faith. Hang in there. It’s true.
-Talking about faith, you can ditch your alarm clock (no electricity to charge your phone, so chill), there’s always a mosque or a C.A.C (church) that’s gonna wake you the fuck up. #StayWoke
-It is the Tower of Babbel par excellence so choose
your battle your preferred dialect(s) out of the 500 , wisely. I mean, in case they want to poison or scam you, you gatso know what they are saying fam! #StayWoke pt.2
-Since the country is being dubbed the “Lion of Africa” – you gotta be resilient as phuck! Such over-pompous label can take a toll on one’s confidence, gotta play the part.
-Food is great over (t)here: can be exxxxxxtra spicy, very slimy and some names given to certain dishes are – “mouthfuls” (LOL) but taste is always bomb af. So, either you are being given the Ofe Achara with Akpuruakpu Egusi, the Gbegiri soup, or the country’s national treasure – Jollof Rice please do us all a favor – fix your face, don’t ask questions, say your Thank Yous and eat. Unless witches poisoned your meal, then you might die. So, pray before you eat. Or say you’ve just eaten.
-Ain’t no Party Like a Lagos Party. Way too lit, for no fucking reason.
–Depending on where you choose to create your new found nest, you might find kids saying “Up Nepa” a lot. It’s a contagious prayer point you will need in your life.
-Music is a way of life. Get in chune with the vast plethora of artistes. Not just Wizkid and P-Square abeg.
-Abeg, Jor O, Pepper Dem Gang, Gbagaun – just to name a few – boy, you can’t get past the threshold without these slangs. Walahi!
-When on the road, you are either Grand Theft Auto-ing like a true motherphucker or just chilling, for infinite hours, in one hot spot (pun intended). You think it’s a joke. Oke.
-Potholes and road bumps are not just double entendres! #StayWoke-ish
-You will learn the truth behind the art of corruption. It will be your daily bread. So when your hear a “Oga/Aunty – drop something“, you don’t drop dead and feign stupidity – you bring out the big monies.
-Speaking of bread, you MUST try hot Agege bread and moin moin. True religion. Don’t trust ajebutters, just like Jon Snow, they don’t know shit.
-Nollywood is a thing! It’s on 51 Iweka Road – Onitsha or Ebinpejo Lane, Idumota – Lagos.
-Nigerian mosquitoes are demonic. They don’t care about your feels, blood type or your melanin (and/or the lack thereof).
down for your elders – do not stretch that hand out. Just, don’t. Hot slaps are not a myth.
-If you see a yoruba demon or temptress,
run chances are, you are probably already under their spell. It’s too late. I might keep you in my prayers.
-We take politicians and newspapers seriously! But the combo: Suya Newspaper is idyllic.
–Depression or Suicide is not an african thing. If you are feeling unease, the witches are at work. So you need to locate a C.A.C nearest to you.
-You can’t trust Nigerian football but when you do decide to, living off past glory et all, this is the only man that makes it worth your while.
I might update. I might get lazy. I might forget. Just know, I did my best to get you on the right path. Lookatchewgo!