You never fully know yourself ’till someone else points just how much you’ve morphed into the person you’ve always vowed never to become.
Frustration is the word.
It’s frustrating because I’ve always thought I was a people’s person, I wouldn’t shy away from new people, I’d exchange vibes with them and we’ll go occupy some fancy castle where we’ld all live together happily ever after.
But I remember that since I’d started living alone, away from my comfort zone, from the faces I’m familiar with and the places I’m used to, I simply realized I didn’t work that way. And that’s ok, I guess? The less people I saw, the more at ease I seemed to become, I’d rather eat alone in my room than in the kitchen with whomever was around me and before I warm up to people, it would take months or it would be just too late. I felt I’d been fed lies all my life, by the people who had gotten to know me, by people who had quickly warmed up to me even though I was just all round weird and sometimes socially rude and awkward person. I know the whole Universe isn’t supposed to love you at once, I mean, it’s not really about seeking validation – unless you are Nutella and not everyone likes Nutella or has eaten Nutella, but I digress.
Brownstone – If you love me
My head would spin and hurt as tears swole and roll down my eyes when a loved one would make me see through his eyes, what I am and who I had unconsciously become. You know when the adults of your life do you wrong and you scream, inwardly, and pray hard, on how you wouldn’t want to be like them…then..
I guess, what I’m saying is, having ones identity is of absolute importance to me, so when we end up being shells or caricatures of other people, it pisses me off. Sorry, this whole thing makes sense in my head, I’m still not good at writing or with words either.
I’m not trying to wallow in self pity, because well, I know I’m not a robot and I know that falling and failing just makes you a 100% 2.0 bot that’s more functional the problem is when Life happens and since she has some balls on her and she won’t waste time in telling you that the castle you built up in your head was nothing but a mere illusion and that before you get to being even a half of the version you need to be, you will have to bury yourself dead deep into a quicksand, survive, come out well and alive before you can become a better than who you’ve thrived to potentially want to be.
Sort of what happens with artists, their music and the originals, you know. Suck or not.
Tory Lanez – Say It