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How to: accept your Procrastinator status like a Pro

Let’s just get it off the plate, shall we? Procrastination is a disease. And like an STD, you’d rather not catch it – but your lame ass does anyway.

Scientists don’t see it yet, but “following a shitload of thorough ass analysis” they will agree that the effects it has on a person’s psyche is highly disturbing and quite frankly, annoying. You don’t have to do anything (sacrificied myself), just read or (nah) smirk at these following life changing steps. At the end of the day, you are who you are.

I should know, I’m a serial pro-crastinator.

And besides, it’s 3 am. Insomnia kicked in. (LOL! It’s funny, because..)


Step 1: “‘Scuse me!”

Now, I don’t suppose everyone suffers my plight. But i’ve come to the realization that excuses are great and they make me feel better. I have books to read and exams to prepare and projects to bring to life, movies to watch and recipe to recreate but hey, am I doing something to change the situation?
Yes, you guessed it, yours truly ain’t doing jack shit about it.


Step 2: “It’s not you, It’s me”

Let it go, let it slide baby. You are not (that) lazy, it’s just a battle you can’t win. Your mind might probably be on a highly caffeinated marathon but your body, not so much. In this game of Mind vs Boday – you strongwill suffers, your good intentions will die before the sun sets. Let it go already, abandon yourself to sweet idleness. You lose. Blame yourself later.



Step 3: “In an african family, you can either be a doctor, a lawyer or a disappointment”

You have to come to the realization that you really are not lazy simply because LAZY isn’t the right word to explain how you feel about yourself most of times. The word you are looking for is – DISAPPOINTED. Or purposeless. Whichever depresses you more.


Step 4: “Cash me ousside, howboudah?”
You have got 99 problems and one intense case of psychological distress. While you sit or lie down in your place of choice, your conscience keeps gnawing a black hole from within. You probably feel at your best – constantly being torn between unease and squimish in your own skin.  You would rather jump out of your skin and shake your carcass up like a barman would expertly do with his cocktail mixer than hear someone complain about “your problem”.


Step 6: Distractions.

You’ve become well accustomed with your room now. Isn’t it funny how you get to cleaning when you don’t want to get to the nitty gritty? You’d rather climb the Everest, wouldn’t you? You’d rather get yelled at by Gordon Ramsey, would ya? You’d rather prep for the Red Wedding, huh?

I understand. My room’s clean too.


Step 5: “I’ve got this fam!”

It’s ok to feel this way sometimes but I will really need you to snap out of it sometime soon. I mean, the rush of being able to get shit done in a shorter amount of time than your peer is great! Adrenalinic (?) even but eh, no one ever said adulting was fun. At least now, you can start counting down to your next totally undeserved break and procrastinative (??) session.

Ah true, the accepting part. I will write it soon, just wait.


(…it actually took me 4 days to finish and post this shit.)


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How to: Nigerian like a true Nigerian

If you are reading this, it’s too late you are probably pondering and gathering information about visiting one of West Africa’s finest – Nigeria and you want to ascend and become a full blown citizen. First things first I’m the realest” wtf, why? Welcome! Please follow these simple instructions:

-Nigeria’s national anthem is 2Face’s – African Queen

-Nigerians are happy people – it’s annoying.  Fela put it better when he sang “Shuffering and Shmiling” it was no understatement – true life story. Come suffer and smile in the land of the free screwed.


-Most will certainly agree that the governmental, bureaucratic, infrastructural system and dead ass wi-fi will test your faith. Hang in there. It’s true.

-Talking about faith, you can ditch your alarm clock (no electricity to charge your phone, so chill), there’s always a mosque or a C.A.C (church) that’s gonna wake you the fuck up. #StayWoke

-It is the Tower of Babbel par excellence so choose your battle your preferred dialect(s) out of the 500 , wisely. I mean, in case they want to poison or scam you, you gatso know what they are saying fam! #StayWoke pt.2

-Since the country is being dubbed the “Lion of Africa” – you gotta be resilient as phuck! Such over-pompous label can take a toll on one’s confidence, gotta play the part.

-Food is great over (t)here: can be exxxxxxtra spicy, very slimy and some names given to certain dishes are – “mouthfuls” (LOL) but taste is always bomb af. So, either you are being given the Ofe Achara with Akpuruakpu Egusi, the Gbegiri soup,  or the country’s national treasure – Jollof Rice please do us all a favor – fix your face, don’t ask questions, say your Thank Yous and eat. Unless witches poisoned your meal, then you might die. So, pray before you eat. Or say you’ve just eaten.

-Ain’t no Party Like a Lagos Party. Way too lit, for no fucking reason.

The Wedding Party (2016)

-So, you might need Bella Naija, Linda Ikeji, Ovation and The Bisi Olatilo Show amongst others to validate the aforementioned alternative fact case study.

Depending on where you choose to create your new found nest, you might find kids saying “Up Nepa” a lot. It’s a contagious prayer point you will need in your life.

-Music is a way of life. Get in chune with the vast plethora of artistes. Not just Wizkid and P-Square abeg.

-Abeg, Jor O, Pepper Dem Gang, Gbagaun – just to name a few – boy, you can’t get past the threshold without these slangs. Walahi!

-When on the road, you are either Grand Theft Auto-ing like a true motherphucker or just chilling, for infinite hours, in one hot spot (pun intended). You think it’s a joke. Oke.


-Potholes and road bumps are not just double entendres! #StayWoke-ish

-You will learn the truth behind the art of corruption. It will be your daily bread. So when your hear a “Oga/Aunty – drop something“, you don’t drop dead and feign stupidity – you bring out the big monies.

-Speaking of bread, you MUST try hot Agege bread and moin moin. True religion. Don’t trust ajebutters, just like Jon Snow, they don’t know shit.

-Nollywood is a thing! It’s on 51 Iweka Road – Onitsha or Ebinpejo Lane, Idumota – Lagos.

-Nigerian mosquitoes are demonic. They don’t care about your feels, blood type or your melanin (and/or the lack thereof).

-Kneel down for your elders – do not stretch that hand out. Just, don’t. Hot slaps are not a myth.

-If you see a yoruba demon or temptress, run chances are, you are probably already under their spell. It’s too late. I might keep you in my prayers.


-We take politicians and newspapers seriously! But the combo: Suya Newspaper is idyllic.


Depression or Suicide is not an african thing.  If you are feeling unease, the witches are at work. So you need to locate a C.A.C nearest to you.

-You can’t trust Nigerian football but when you do decide to, living off past glory et all, this is the only man that makes it worth your while.



I might update. I might get lazy.  I might forget. Just know, I did my best to get you on the right path. Lookatchewgo!

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